Vivi Gets The Talk
by Bahamut Chris
Summary: Vivi gets... uh, 'the talk.' The name says it all.


Vivi Gets "The Talk"  
  
  
Now, the battle with Kuja was finally over. The world was once again at peace. And so with that peace, came content, more or less. But as soon as the Mists of Monsters begin to dissipate, mists of questions begin to arise. And the most fervently asked question was by Vivi...  
  
Amarant had left his own way and become a farmer in later times. Vivi had decided to come to him for assistance.  
  
"Amarant, how are... children conceived?" Vivi asked the farmer as he toiled in his field. Amarant slowly wiped the sweat from his brow, took a slow, deep breath, and began to contemplate an analogy that would sway Vivi's thoughts from this subject.  
  
"Well, you see, It's a lot like... uh... farming! Indeed! You see," began Amarant. Good, it looked like Vivi was buying it. He extracted a seed from his pocket. "Well, it all begins with the seed. First, it's just... there, you understand? Then... uh, it... well, it just... grows, with care. You plant it, give it fertilizer, water it, and... uh, of course! That's exactly right!"  
  
He gave a visual by planting the seed in the ground, surrounding it with fertilizer, and then watering it. And almost on cue, the moment that he said, "That's exactly right!" the plant popped up from the ground and leaves sprouted from its sides.  
  
"Right. I doubted that you knew the first thing about kids anyway, Amarant. Thanks for the thought, at least."  
  
"Any time. Just wait until I give you the explanation about where Crop Circles come from!"  
  
But by that time, Vivi had already left in a great hurry, not wanting to allow Amarant to ramble on any more. He didn't stop until he met a man driving a Chocobo-pulled cart.  
  
"And what might you want, shunny?" he asked, in a kind, bumpkin-lisped voice.  
  
"Say, could you give me a ride to Treno?" Vivi asked, in his most innocent, friendly voice.  
  
"Well, why not? Just twenty-five gil. It's on my way, anyway," The Black Mage shelled out the gil-coins and had a seat on the cart in the back.  
  
"Shay, what's yer name, shunny?"  
  
"I'm Vivi."  
  
"Nish to meet'cha. I'm Chocobo Billy. And I jusht loooove Chocobosh." So they had small conversations on the way to Treno. Vivi thanked Chocobo Billy for the ride, and hopped off near the city's gate, and noticed a strange, ghost-like monster who was flashing any passerby unfortunate enough to look his way. He shrugged it off and thought to himself, "Maybe Freya will tell me something more than... just about planting a seed."  
  
So he walked to the gate of Treno, and there, the moment the he entered, was greeted by Doctor Tot.  
  
"(Say... maybe he will tell me what I want to know...)" Vivi thought to himself.  
  
"Hello, Vivi," began Doctor Tot. "What brings you to Treno?"  
  
"Well, I came here hoping to find Freya, and ask her about... uhh, that."  
  
"What?"  
  
"THAT."  
  
"I don't seem to understand. Maybe you'll explain a little more thoroughly at my laboratory? I have a lot of time on my hands, for the time being."  
  
"Well, I could use a bit of privacy when I ask you about this, so, hey, why not?"  
  
So it was that Vivi and the Doctor went to discuss Vivi's burning question.  
  
"Well, now that we're here... Doctor Tot, could you tell me how children are conceived?" he questioned.  
  
"Well... uhh..." Doctor Tot was beginning to break a sweat, trying to think of a falsified answer. "Err... well, I was kind of... umm... busy, so maybe you could ask me another time?"  
  
"You didn't look too busy when I asked you not too long ago, sitting on the edge of the fountain, just staring at, presumably, something in the water."  
  
"(Darn, he figured it out. Well, on to plan B, then.) All right, you win. I'll tell you... for 100,000,000 gil!"  
  
"WHAT?! THAT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY!!!"  
  
"Well, technically, it isn't. It isn't considered Highway Robbery unless you're a tollboothman. In that case, you can charge 100,000,000 gil to someone, and they could call that highway robbery, " Doctor Tot said in his best British-imitation accent.  
  
"Well, the most that I can hold in my item-vacuum of space-energy is... crap! 99,999,999 gil! No! If I hold one more, I'll probably drop dead under the weight!"  
  
"You're probably right. Too bad, BZZT! WeÕre closed,"  
  
"Wait! I can toss in an Elixir! That ALWAYS costs exactly one gil!"  
  
"Sorry, Vivi, but that won't pay off my rent for this past decade,"  
  
"(Literal bastard.) Well, then I suppose that I will go and ask Freya for her words of wisdom,"  
  
And so Vivi left, and Doctor Tot was relieved. As he breathed a sigh of relief, Ruby walked out of the corner, locked the door behind Vivi, and whispered, in a rather lusty tone of voice, "Okay, now I'll show you a good time, Doctor," as she undid his coat.  
  
Vivi kicked at a rock in his frustration, leaving the messy laboratory behind. But he had noticed old pairs of clothes strewn across the floor, and Ruby had been hiding in the shadows. And it was quite suspicious that the door would be locked the moment that he left. At any rate, he had to find Freya. She would know, she had always told him about when she would give him "The Talk" one of these days, and demonstrate it to him, too. But now, he couldn't seem to find her!  
  
He decided that she probably wasn't in Treno, either. So he went to Regent Cid, who, had, after all, been a "dirty old man," at one time or another during their adventure. So he went through the South Gate to get to Lindblum. There, he met Regent Cid and told him of his troubles.  
  
"Cid, how are children conceived?"  
  
"Well, I... uh, I really, truly don't know,"  
  
"But you're a 'dirty old man'!"  
  
"(Damn, he knows.) All right, I'll give you an interpretation. Say, uhh, you've never seen one of those girls that I was with, did you? Uh, it has something to do with up their skirts and... uh, that's not really an interpretation, is it? Umm... Well, then, when the World was Zero, the Goddess Izanami and the God Izagami were given a Spear. Izagami gave the Spear to Izanami, and the continents were born! And, uhh... yes, that is about right."  
  
At that time, Hilda Garde Lindblum entered the room and inquired, "Cid, what are you telling poor little Vivi?"  
  
"Well," began Cid, "He wanted to know about how children are conceived, so I was just telling him a story..."  
  
"Shut up, you dirty old man! Go to your room, and you can forget about your 'Fuzzy Dice' tonight!"  
  
"But honey!"  
  
"Shut up, I said, or you won't get any tomorrow, either!"  
  
"OKAY, ALREADY! JEEZ, YOU CANÕT LET A DIRTY OLD MAN HAVE HIS FUN SOMETIMES! Sorry, Vivi, but I'll have to tell you some other time."  
  
So Vivi left, in a grumpy manner. He went to the Airship docks and paid his way for a ticket to Alexandria. Once he was on the airship, the Black Mage recognized the figures of Baku, Marcus, Blank, and Cinna. They asked him if he knew when Ruby would get back, and he answered, "I... I think that she's with Doctor Tot."  
  
"AGAIN?!" shouted Cinna.  
  
"She does this often?"  
  
"Yes, too often." Commented Blank.  
  
"I wonder what she could possibly be doing." Interjected Marcus, nonchalantly.  
  
"Shut yer traps!" yelled Baku.  
  
"Oops, sorry boss!" apologized the three.  
  
So Vivi waited until he got to Alexandria to say anything more. Once there, he looked for Steiner, whom he thought would be the superior source of information on this subject. But the Alexandrian Guardswomen denied his access, commenting that Steiner and Beatrix needed some... time together. Vivi noticed muffled cries coming from their quarters, but he decided to forget about that occurrence ever happening.  
  
After failing in that ruse, Vivi decided to go to Burmecia, which would be very difficult because they didn't have an airship dock. But even so, he took a long trek there, on foot, through Gizamaluke's Grotto. Now, this was obviously the last place that he would have dared to look, only because Burmecia was a run-down ex-brothel. He doubted that Freya would be among such a defiled place.  
  
But that is exactly where he found her. The beautiful Dragoon-girl, Freya was perched on the edge of a misshapen advertisement poster-holder. He could still see the remnants of a tattered naughty poster in the poster-holder.  
  
"Freya!" Vivi called out.  
  
"Hmm...? Vivi? Oh, there you are! I looked for you all over the place! First, I checked in Treno, then in Lindblum, then Alexandria, and lastly, I asked Amarant. He told me that you were asking around about 'the talk.' Oh, why didn't you just check Treno first, you silly little..." said Freya.  
  
"Sorry, Freya. But now I can ask you all about how children are conceived!"  
  
"Well, I think that I would be explaining it best by... giving you a firsthand experience!"  
  
"I think that would be nice, Freya!"  
  
Freya began to undo her Dragoon's Jacket. His glowing yellow eyes, from the shadow cast by his hat, widened. "Now come here, you naughty little Black Mage..." she whispered lustfully to the adolescent Black Mage, as she undid his jacket, removed his hat and stroked his head softly, and then... uhh, if you heard this one before, you know what I'm talking about, so if you don't, you're too young to be reading this so get off my case!!! 


End file.
